Saturday 5 July 2014

Depression and BPD

So, this post is a little different. I was debating about doing it because I wasn't sure whether anyone would be interested in reading about all my problems! I figured though, that it might help me and if you want to take a read then go ahead. I do apologize however, if this makes you miserable, I will try and keep it as upbeat as possible!

Well, I was diagnosed with depression approximately 3 years ago. I had just started university and I had started feeling really down and emotional, snapping at the slightest thing and I was just generally horrible. I went to the doctors and I got referred to the local mental health care clinic. I was diagnosed and they prescribed me with Fluoxetine, a type of anti-depressant. I was terrified of starting on the anti-depressant route because I didn't want to become addicted to them! Anyway, I began taking them and I didn't really notice much difference at first. From what I can remember (my memory is terrible!), Fluoxetine first had a noticeable effect regarding my sleeping patterns. I could sleep whenever, wherever and I always felt exhausted, even if I had my 'normal' 8 hours sleep. My paranoia was ridiculous. I couldn't go into town with my boyfriend because I accused him of looking at girls and I hated the fact there were girls he would talk to on his university course. It was having such a bad impact on our relationship that eventually (about 6-8 months later) I went back to the hospital and said that I was really struggling on the medication. They decided to lower the dosage and I was hesitant. Rightly so, as these made little difference to how I was feeling. I was later given Sertraline, another anti-depressant, which was supposed to have fewer side effects than the Fluoxetine. At the beginning of last year, I think I began to see a few signs of improvement. My paranoia had got a bit better, I was feeling a bit happier in myself and I could actually start thinking about the future.

Then the problems started. About September last year, I started suffering with sensory overload. I hated going out because sometimes the sound of traffic would be unbearable. I would fall out with my boyfriend just because he was talking to me and I couldn't stand the sound of his voice. It was becoming insufferable and I ended up going to the doctors in March this year (I think). The doctor didn't have a clue what was wrong with me, and hadn't come across something like this before. Always a good start! In the end he suggested trying another pill, which supposedly didn't have sensory issues as a side effect. Apparently it was common for Sertraline to cause sensory disturbances and this new pill, Lofepramine, was an older type of pill that was well known for its lack of side effects. Myself and my boyfriend were both worried about coming off the Sertraline because for the most part I had been quite stable and the thought of trying something else was quite scary.

The Lofepramine was horrendous. All of the progress I felt I had made had just disappeared. I felt suicidal on a daily basis, I was upset, angry and a complete mess. I couldn't cope and once again, I went back to the hospital. I had only been on Lofepramine a couple of weeks at this point but I discussed with my psychologist the problems I had been having. The psychologist was terrible. I had never seen him before, and he insisted on me discussing all of my traumatic experiences with him even though, as he said ''I already knew your problems but I wanted you to tell me instead''. GOOD ONE. Everyone knows that you don't force a person to re-tell traumatic events unless they want to. Anyway, after discussing some of my symptoms, he said it was likely that I had BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I had heard of this but I wasn't really sure if it related to me. Oh it really did. He showed me the list of common signs/symptoms and I matched every one of them. I have to say, it was a relief in some ways to have a further diagnosis, but in other ways I was upset that I had yet another problem. The psychologist told me that I should come off my pills straight away and try Seroquel, a type of anti-psychotic, typically used for patients with schizophrenia or bipolar. This was scary in itself as I didn't want to be on a really strong drug. He reassured me however, that it was a mood stabilizer and it should help me to feel more calm and level headed. I left the hospital feeling pretty upset, knowing that I really wanted to cry but I had to hold it until I got home.  

I have been on Seroquel for about 2 weeks now, and if I am honest, I have never felt worse. I am exhausted, I am angry, I am upset. I have lost interest in everything and I am being a horror to live with. I am hoping that over the next couple of weeks, things will level off and I will be a lot happier. It is my birthday on the 14th and I graduate on the 23rd so I really want to be feeling o.k by then.

I know this was a slightly random post but I just wanted to post some of my experiences. I'm sure there will be more posts like this at some point!

If you have any questions, feel free to ask them :)
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