Living with Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder

Hi everyone,

I have done a similar post to this previously, but I wanted to go a bit more in depth and let you get to know the real me.

I have depression and BPD, usually know as Borderline Personality Disorder. Depression is defined by Depression UK as:

a mood disorder characterised by low mood and a wide range of other possible symptoms, which will vary from person to person. An illness that can develop quickly or gradually, and be brought on by life events and/or changes in body chemistry. It can strike anyone, and is curable.

I was first diagnosed with depression 3 years ago, when I started university. I had been feeling down for some time and my mood swings were getting uncontrollable. My relationship with my boyfriend was getting worse because I was so paranoid and my anger towards him grew so much, we questioned why we were together.

I decided to go to the doctors because I decided I couldn't live like that anymore and he suggested depression as a likely cause. He referred me to the Peter Hodgkinson centre in Lincoln, a NHS service aimed at helping patients with mental health problems.  I have now been a patient at this centre for 2 and  a half years and I go for check ups with my assigned consultant every three months for a review of my medication. I have been referred to counsellors previously but due to the fact I was ill for one of my sessions, I got discharged from their services. This has thrown me off and any benefit I got from my short time at counselling has steadily disappeared.

Borderline Personality Disorder is one of the most common personality disorders. People with personality disorders may find it difficult to:

• make or keep close relationships
• get on with people at work
• get on with friends and family
• keep out of trouble
• control your feelings or behaviour
• listen to other people

There are different types of personality disorder and I have been diagnosed with the 'Borderline or emotionally unstable' group. This means that I am impulsive and I find it hard to cope my emotions. I have up and down days, meaning that if I am sad, I am very sad and if I am happy, I am manic and highly excitable. It can also mean that I feel paranoid and have low self esteem and self worth.

The paranoia and low self esteem are the symptoms that affect me most of all. I am paranoid about everything and everyone. I struggle to leave the house some days because I am terrified of how other people will perceive me and I am scared that someone will laugh at me (classic paranoia!). The paranoia also affects my relationship with my boyfriend. I am paranoid about him 24 hours a day, I struggle to control thoughts about him and it results in me getting extremely upset and/or angry. I accuse him of cheating or sneaking around behind my back and I have gone through phases of checking his phone and internet history just to make sure he isn't messing around. My problem has got so bad that I get to the point of wishing him to mess up, just so I am justified in my feelings and I have the right to be mad at him.

My low self esteem has to take some responsibility for this behaviour. I think so negatively of myself and constantly judge myself next to other people. To go out is a struggle, even now. I need the motivation from other people to get me to leave the house. If I had the choice, I would stay in bed all day.

This combined with the depression leads to a very stressful life. Of course I have good days, I can have times when I am so happy and nothing bothers me and this is a release to me. It feels like a weight has been lifted from my head. Other days, I feel swamped, like my head is going to explode. I guess I have to reach a good and healthy balance but I know it will be a struggle. 

Thoughts of suicide and self harm are also a problem. About 2 months ago, I was staying with my parents to give my boyfriend a break. I had only been there on my own a few hours and I started to get a sinking feeling. I felt awful, I was crying non stop and nothing could help. I had a panic attack, I was uncontrollable and I was desperate to be back with my boyfriend. After several hours of crying I found pills in my bag and decided to take the whole packet (10 in all). I knew at the time that this probably wasn't enough to kill me, but I really wanted to hurt myself and this was the only way I knew how. I sat for a while after taking the pills and I felt numb. I didn't care what happened next. Only trouble was, my boyfriend rang me after I had taken them. I told him what had happened and he went mad at me and said he was going to have to tell my parents, who were downstairs when this happened. I hung up and 5 seconds later, my parents phone rang. I knew he was going to tell them, so while my dad was on the phone I ran downstairs and told my mum everything. I will never forget the look on her face. 

My dad eventually rang the hospital and I had a check up. I was told that I wasn't in any danger and that the crisis team was not necessary. This, is something I will never understand. A girl takes a lot of pills, but oh no, not a crisis. She is obviously completely fine.

Eurgh.

I am now on a mood stabilizing medication called Aripiprazole and so far so good. My moods are more steady however I still get extremely paranoid and angry. I know I will probably need a lifetime supply of counselling and medication to 'fix' me, but I hope in the end it will all be worth it. For the sake of my relationship especially.

I want to raise awareness of mental health issues and show people that we are not 'crazy' or 'mad'. I have so many issues, it would take me hours to list them all. I have had traumatic experiences, I have depression in my family and all this learned behaviour has meant I struggle on a daily basis. I would say to anyone struggling with any issues similar to mine, or different, please find help. 

Talk to someone, let them know if you are feeling like shit and need a shoulder to cry on. Be honest and open. This is where I struggle. I hate to admit my faults and up until recently I have viewed my depression as a weakness. I now know that depression and BPD will not define me, yes I have it, but there are far more important personality traits that I want to be known for. 

To those without depression: take the time to ask people if they are ok. I'm sure they will appreciate it :)